Everyone is an artiste in Nigeria. Your brother, your brother’s annoying friend, your neighbor and his lazy evil-looking cat, even the person you’re in a relationship with will wake up one day after 7 rounds of steamy nighttime sessions and confess; “Honey, I have something to tell you. I have released my first single”. Well, good news is she’s not pregnant; bad news is she’s just joined the growing throng of Nigerian upcoming musicians who are a stereotype.
And how do we identify these people? This movement of wannabe stars that seem to pop out everywhere you turn, like angry bees? Worry no more, friend. After careful screening and analysis, we smart folks at Pulse.ng have brought out the perfect things to look out for in an upcoming artiste.
Effusive Greetings/ Patronizing Humility
“Bros mi, the Chairman, my Oga, Boss! My Oga Boss! Baba! Daddy!”
The above sentiments sound familiar to you? Sure. That’s because you have had enough brushes with ‘the next 2face’ or the dude that ‘sounds like 9ice’. Nigerian upcoming artistes are career greeters, praise-singers, and on many levels, sycophants. They wear humility like a permanent Northerner’s perfume.
They are tuned to ‘greet at sight’ and ‘hail without provocation’. Especially when they expect you to be of aid in their quest to ‘blow’. Perhaps you can potentially promote their song, or their image, or give financial input to their career, then you’ll be flooded with similar treatment.
It feels awesome to be the recipient of such gestures, because we all are walking, talking, smiling, pretentious, egostistical species. But note; Not many of them return to you after you’ve served your purpose. The true ones will. But how can you really know who is true, and worthy of your support?
Bold Attires
Ever seen a person combine a headtie, torn jeans, mismatched footwear, enough gold chains to scare the World Bank, and rocked beards to remind you of an unshaved Methuselah? He’s not mad. Chances are that you just saw the next big musical prospect to come out of Ajegunle.
Upcoming artistes dress to impress. Most times, to impress the psychiatrist, and convince him to recommend them to his facility. They always want to ‘belong’ in the circle, or stand out with their outfits. They come in all sorts of unimaginable wears, a Jalabia, and snapback caps, pink earrings, and yellow shoes…the list is endless.
So when next you see a human dressed in a manner befitting of an exorcism session, don’t be scared. He’s a star!
Tattoos
A stereotype Nigerian upcoming artiste’s body is a canvass or a drawing pad for whoever can ink a half-decent art on human skin. Yeah, I know tattoos exist for everyone, even the stars have them in abundance, but that of the upcoming artistes are special. You know why? Because they lack a convincing reason for appearing on their chest, biceps, or left butt-cheek.
And also, I could make a case for the quality of their tattoos. They either are low-quality, or they’re just outright tacky.
Accent
Finally, how can you be an upcoming artiste without a foreign accent? For where?
All upcoming artistes must have an accent, which they can’t afford to leave home without. Some American (yeah men!), British (‘no atol’, ‘innit’ ), Jamaican (Jah bless!), Latino (Holla at you), street (hey shorri!), and Afro-American (Yo! Niggas be like).
Some of them even manage the miraculous feat of mixing two accents to create a funny blend. That’s where all the Bri-Merican, Afro-British, and Jamaico-latino tongues came from. We Nigerians created them. Ain’t we smart, nigger!
source: www'pulse.ng